This is a story of a young woman who lost her voice, then found a small voice, and eventually discovered her true vocal identity. It was a journey that took us about two years, with sessions every two or three months, and long spaces in between for exploring and sometimes just treading water until the time was right to make another move.

This vocal journey for Joanna was about so much more than learning how to use her voice differently, it was a realisation that her voice was how she projected her identity into the world around her.

Changes to this will take time and courage.

Jenevora
So let's go back to the beginning, when you came a couple of years ago. Why did you come to me at that point?

Joanna
My voice was quiet, and I couldn’t project as I needed to for home, work or social situations. It got tired after a lot of use, and I wasn’t confident using it.
I had been diagnosed with a brain tumour at the age of 15, a rare illness called Cushings disease. Whilst this was successfully dealt with, I had lots of horrible symptoms at the time and it was quite a traumatic period as well as trying to keep up with GCSE studies and exams. I lost my voice during this time, not a known symptom, and have learnt it was a bit of an emotional side effect due to the trauma and what I went through.

Jenevora
Then it was some years after that that you came to see me. What I heard was you speaking with your upper register all the time. I’m wondering what made you come when you did?

Joanna
Well, I had been to have speech therapy before that, but it wasn’t right at the time. And then I was getting really frustrated and really wanted to do something to make it better. I also wanted to work on my singing.

Jenevora
Can you remember what we did in the early sessions?

Joanna
Sounds. Vowels…

Jenevora
Yes. Just messing about, weren't we? Messing about with noises, jumping up and down, just playing and being silly. And then we found some kind of lower resonance. We also tried singing, and integrating the speaking and singing sounds with songs that meant something to you.
Then there was a long time, at least a year, when you were coming in here and using the new voice quite confidently, and singing, speaking and reading out loud. But you found it very difficult to go back and use it in any situation at home or at work. So how did you cross that bridge?

Joanna
I think I was fearful of what other people would think of it, and also I’m quite an empathetic person and other people’s worries overtook what I need to do for myself. I didn’t leave enough space in my life to work on it and to get over my fears.

Jenevora
Can you remember that I suggested doing it in situations with somebody you didn't know? Like, when you were buying something in a shop?

Joanna
That was easier sometimes.

Jenevora
I took you out, didn't I, to buy a cup of coffee, and you ordered it for me. And that worked very well. We sat and chatted in the town centre with you using your new confident voice all the time. Then who did you try it out with at home?

Joanna
I only used it when I was by myself, singing or practising speaking with it. And there was a friend at work who I started to use it with, but now they’ve left and that in itself was quite traumatic.

Jenevora
When did you start using this voice with your family?

Joanna
It was the beginning of June 2024. I did it for the first time, then I used it for a few weeks, and then it just died off because I had so many other things going on too and couldn’t feel safe & comfortable using it with everyone, and my focus went back to others. Then later on more changes happened that I really needed my real voice for, and I was getting really frustrated because I knew it was there but I just wasn’t using it, so I tried again and was determined not to let myself stop that time, so I’m glad to say have been using it since February this year and it feels amazing!
It's more comfortable and I feel like I can finally be the person that I want to be, although it is still quite new.

Jenevora
Do you ever slip back into the old voice?

Joanna
There was one day when I was really worried about my sister and I didn’t let myself use it. But then by the end of the day, I felt so rubbish because I hadn't used it all day and my throat was all tight & achy. I can't do that again because it just makes me feel so sad and held back again.

Jenevora
I bet your sister didn't even notice.

Joanna
Probably not, no.

Jenevora
That's very interesting that your concern is for your family and how they feel. Not what they think about you, but how safe they feel in themselves. And whether they might feel challenged or confronted if the person they know is speaking differently. You’re amazing, so self aware, it's great.
So what next? What's the future?

Joanna
It’s quite new every day.

Jenevora
And how's the singing? Is it feeling more comfortable or is that still just as it was?

Joanna
It's actually more as it was, this voice and the other voice.

Jenevora
Hmm, well that’s actually more normal for singing, because you're using a bigger pitch range. You're going up into the higher part of your voice for singing and then coming back down to the speech part as well. You will be using both qualities when you're singing. But normally, for speaking, people use the lower register because it's more comfortable.
It takes less effort, it's more efficient, and you can be louder - as you're now realizing!
Unless your habit is so strong that it doesn't feel comfortable. And I think that took a bit of time, to shift that habit.

Joanna
Today, I just wanted to come and show you my voice, I wanted to tell you.
I’ve got quite a lot going on now, different pressures at home and at work. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with everything, I’ve been stepping into big shoes. I'm enjoying it, but I just have so much to do as well. But amongst it all, I start using my new voice whenever there's chaos all around, I'll just introduce a level of distraction that nobody will notice. I needed it to help me do everything, I need to be a bigger person now because I've got loads more on.

Jenevora
Well, the new voice does sound more adult. And I think that that's where you're stepping in, isn't it? Your voice can be a kind of manifestation of your identity in terms of how other people perceive you. So you are now coming across as more confident and more adult, more capable. That is absolutely what you need to be, taking on a big management role and looking after siblings who are needing help.
Well done. You are very strong and very brave.